Fired

Even as I write this I'm not sure if I am going to publish it or not.

I have never been fired in my life. From anything. My streak ended this past Tuesday. In the most un-professional, amateur and ignorant way possible. After working all day and leaving 15 minutes later than normal, the director of the nursing home I was working for called me on my cell phone. I wasn't even home yet - a 10 minute drive. From my brief glance at the incoming number, I expected the school nurse (we'd already spoken once that day) so I was completely unprepared for what followed.

"I just wanted to let you know that we are no longer in need of your services."

Excuse me?

"We've decided to go with someone with more nursing home experience. More experience with surveys."

Now, if you're going to fire me and not have the decency to do it in person, at least don't LIE to me. We just had a survey and of the eight pages of deficiencies the state found, nutrition was no where on that list. So let's be brutally honest shall we?

I am not perfect. I do not pretend to be. When I was originally hired, the nursing home was privately owned by one eccentric, slightly crazy lady. I was hired for 4-6 hours/week. Max. About 15 months into my employment, the crazy lady decided to sell. The new administration had no such constraints and almost overnight, my position began to take on a life of it's own. For months, every time I walked into the building there was a new responsibility or expectation tossed at me. I was not always as agile as I wished I could have been. However, I have another job, two kids, a dog, a house, and a husband that travels for business more weeks than not. I did the best I could.

I deserved more than someone hoping to leave a message on my voice mail.

I also deserved the truth, which I believe to be, they want someone who can be there two or three full days a week. But then why not just say that? Because saying, we need what you absolutely cannot give us would alleviate the self-loathing and tears that have been me for the past 48 hours. (I also believe that if the state had found some nutrition deficiency I would have been fired on the spot but that is besides the point.)

A better person would make peace with this and move on. I am not a better person. I believe in Karma. And I hope I get to see it happen.

But somehow I still have to make peace with this. Somehow, I have to believe that being fired is not synonymous with loser, worthless and failure. Somehow, I have to hold my head up high and hide my tears from my children. Somehow, I have to let this go.